JPN Paradox 12 | The Cost of Avoiding Conflict

What do we sacrifice to maintain appearances?

Photo by Georgi Kalaydzhiev

Japan is often associated with harmony, politeness, and consideration for others. But there's another side to that harmony that doesn't get talked about as much: the discomfort that can come with expressing criticism, disagreement, or anything that might disturb the peace.

My French lessons got me thinking about this. We students are routinely asked to discuss not just what we like, but what we dislike, articulating the negative qualities of something as naturally as the positive ones. At first, it struck me how unfamiliar that felt. Not the French language itself (though that too) but the expectation that having a critical opinion, and saying it out loud, is simply a normal part of communicating.

Growing up in Japan, I'm not sure I was ever really taught that. In school and at work, negative feedback or open disagreement can carry a social cost. It risks making others uncomfortable, disrupting the atmosphere, and breaking the unspoken agreement that everyone is working hard to maintain.

In the workplace, it’s not unusual for employees to be suddenly transferred to another department without much explanation. They are left wondering why, but don’t know who to turn to. They feel something is wrong, but also know they aren’t supposed to ask questions. Some become resentful and eventually leave the company.

Looking back, I realize that I had accepted this tendency to avoid conflict as focusing on the positive, simply the way things were, or even a mature way to handle difficult situations.

Pretending everything is okay can feel like the easier choice for those who want to avoid conflict. But what about those on the receiving end? What gets lost when we avoid the uncomfortable? Honest feedback is how we improve. Naming disagreement is how we actually resolve it rather than let it quietly fester. And saying what you really think, even when it's uncomfortable, might be one of the more genuine things you can do for another person.

The paradox here is this: in trying to protect ourselves and others from discomfort, we might also miss the opportunity for deeper connection. Harmony maintained through avoidance isn't quite the same thing as harmony that's built with attention and care.

I don't think Japan is unique in this. But I do think it runs deep here. And I'm still figuring out where I land, how much friction is healthy, how much silence is kindness, and whether those two things are even as different as I once thought.

What has been your experience?